Why would anyone have an interest in my weekly ‘B-word’? There’s a question. Many who know me well think of me as a lurking complainer, a whiner, and a person who notices the worst about everything, a person who knows exactly what will go wrong and says so — therefore, a difficult person.
It is no longer quite so. A long personal housecleaning slash period of isolation combined with musing, has resulted in some interesting changes, and one of them is that I am slightly nicer to be around.
The following themes recur in my head these years, and will surely haunt my hands as they type:
- Pushing past fear into accomplishment.
- Persistence; patience. The willingness to allow something to take years.
- Noticing the steady progress. Contentment with it.
- Contentment with the gift of the present.
- Planning the process and letting go of the outcome.
- The Muse, and how She inevitably appears as long as you are in the house.
- The willingness of the first step.
- Trusting what comes.
- Surrendering to find peace.
- Secrets are like fat cells. They multiply when I cover them up.
- I am what I believe.
- My life is what I think it is.
- Who I am (aging, loser, trying to find meaning before time runs out).
- How I got this way (vulnerability, ancient fear).
- What I believe in now (equality without needing to argue it, simplicity, compassion, acceptance).
- ‘Holly holy’.
- Finding meaning in real, present, ordinary life.
- Nothing at all about wealth, success, powerfulness, sex, domestic responsibility, boyfriend or girlfriend, getting to yes in anything.
- Much more about feeling serene in my skin, living in now, letting go of then, the vacuum theory of abundant existence, finding meaning in small things occurring ‘coincidentally’, forgiveness not for them but for my own sake.
- The importance of trying to be funny, even if the only person who laughs is me.
Any who are compassionately curious about the odd mutations in my decades-long original nature, might bravely read on. Many persons that I love, will feel that love. I hope.